Bahagia itu Sederhana

7-5-2013

Hari ini hari terakhir gue fieldtrip di Jogja bareng angkatan, seneng sih, finally this crappy fieldtrip is over, tapi sedih juga, gatau kenapa, fieldtrip gue kali ini was truly a great escape from my activities, seneng aja rasanya bisa jadi diri gue sendiri lagi. Diri gue dimana gue Cuma anak kelas 2 SMA biasa, yang konyol, kurang bertanggung jawab and always laughing like a retard.

Jadi, hari ini gue nemuin makna sebenernya dari kata-kata “Bahagia itu Sederhana”. Jujur, gue gak terlalu banyak have fun dan main main kayak anak lainnya, karena ya.. my personality is just somehow a bit insecure and a bit anti-social. Bukan berarti gue emo atau punya personality disorder, but i just like the fact that i could think more clearly and be more true to myself when i’m alone.

Jadi hari ini, gue menemukan arti bahagia itu sederhana pertama kali sekitar jam 5.30 sore. Gue dan temen gue, Migo, lagi mau nge-gaul di angkringan pinggir jalan, pas banget lagi mendung, jadi.. kita minjem payung sama mas mas supir bus kita. Tapi sialnya, pas kita baru aja jalan, Tuhan numpahin air ber-ember ember dari langit, jadi gue sama Migo berteduh kan. Ditengah kelaparan kami, Tuhan juga memberikan secercah harapan berbentuk ibu-ibu yang jualan sate di pinggir jalan. Dengan semangat ’45 gue dan Migo langsung mesen 2 porsi yang harga satunya 15 ribu doang! Tadinya rencana makan di bus, tapi berhubung hujan tak bisa dikompromi, gue dan Migo makan sambil berdiri di tempat. Then.. the unbelievable happens.. SATENYA ENAK PARAH!! Sumpah ngalahin sate langganan gue di rumah..  gue makan kayak orang kesurupan dan akhirnya kekenyangan. Migo sampe harus bantuin gue makan sisa sate gue.

Bahagia itu.. Sederhana ternyata, dengan dapet sepiring sate panas yang murah+enak di pinggir jalan has made my entire day :D kayaknya gue musti belajar lagi mengerti kebahagiaan kebahagiaan kecil kayak gini. Kebahagiaan yang mungkin gak akan terulang 2 kali, tapi bakal keinget terus. Pasti.

What if..?

Today, a friend of mine just asked me
"Why we still doubt people, even when we love them?" and i unconsciously answered "Because love will never be enough.."

And then it strucks me.. What if all this time, what i thought was an unconditional love, was just a pathetic lie that i tell to myself on behalf of my relationship and my sacrifices? What if..?
That's the question that has been driving me crazy all this time.. what if..? What if all i stand on is a pathetic lie? What is all i stand for is just an ordinary guy? What if all this time, love IS never enough?

All this time, i lie to myself, so perfectly that only i realize it now.. that even if we both say "I only want you.." to each other, in the end we have to admit that the sentence doesn't end there.. What if the right words are " I only want you if.... and if.... and if......"?

Well, i don't think there's such thing as unconditional love, huh? Well, maybe the thing is just that.. limitations are everywhere, even in unconditional love..

Sad..

Hardest day ever?

Have you ever had one day when during the whole day you were thinking "Oh, Dear God, please just make this day go faster" Well, today is that day for me.

Nothing is actually happening, it's just like any other day of the year.. And i'm not trying to sound very lame and pathetic and i'm very very thankful that God still gave me one more day to breathe and feel everything in this small world with complete limbs and all. It's just.. today, i feel sick.. of everything.

I feel sick for all the energy i waste to make people think i'm okay.. while inside i'm tired and bleeding.. I'm tired for all the fake smile i had to make just so people dont judge me as an attention seeker.. I'm hell tired and i just need some rest, but somehow, whenever i hit my bed, i will stay awake for hours and just lay there, thinking about everything in my day and that will just kept me awake for hours without doing anything productive.

Well.. that's mine.. how's yours?